Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in 1nationunderme's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, December 25th, 2008
7:51 pm	And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street, for every mistake that I have made And like a baby boy, I never was a man Until I saw your green eyes cry, and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away" Just make her smile come back, and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 13th, 2008
6:34 pm	I believe tonight the world is in the most peaceful state possible. The heavy rain that persisted throughout the day held everything living at bay from venturing out into the world. The rain has now ended and a fog thicker than any other rests on the earth, acting as a shield to all but the sounds of one's own footsteps and the halos of street-lamps. No wind stirs the leaves so recently fallen. No being, whether human, insect, leaf, or even the Earth itself, dares to disturb the transcendent silence which outweighs all of existence. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
1:48 pm	Ich fahre den Weg. Den Weg zur Ruhe. Ich denke an dir. An dir und das Leben. Wann ich nur schlafen will, ist Alles sinnlos. Wann ich viel sagen will, bin ich wortlos. Die Welt flößt ohne Vorschrift. Sie flößt allein im All. Ihre einzige Gesellschaft, ist ein Blutrotermond. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 30th, 2008
5:44 pm	Testing Testing out this thing that let's me post via my iPod... Hope this works. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
1:20 pm	Occasionally, I come to the realization that I am alive. I feel an immense sense of freedom and possibility, and disregard. I slam on the acceleration pedal with my arm out the window and the wind dancing in my fingers, or I take a deep breath of the cool night air, bringing myself to a full consciousness and harmony of my senses. At these points in time, life is an entirely physical entity. I can feel the essence of life in my hands, as I grip it, and claim it as my own, swearing to it that I will never let it go. I can feel it coursing through my veins, pumping and beating with the most primal and natural "tick... tock...", reminding me that nothing lasts forever. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 27th, 2007
3:36 pm	The past year For the past four months or so I had been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life... where I want it to go. What makes me happy. College was increasingly pissing me off, to the degree that my last paper for my English class I decided to write on why college sucks and is detrimental. Meanwhile, I was skipping most of my classes and going insane worrying and trying to figure out my life. I had no idea what I wanted to major in at UMBC. There were a few individual classes I was interested in taking, but they came nowhere close to the total amount of credits required to graduate. I'm tired of school. I just finished twelve years of that pointless bullshit. The best things I got out of twelve wasted years were the realization that it's bullshit, and a few friends. I can't take another four or more years and $40,000 of it. Acceleratingly during high school, I was rejecting more and more of the things required for me to do. During my junior year I was starting to get very lazy with homework, and projects. Projects ended up being done the night before they were due, and homework ended up being copied or googled right before class. Senior year was even worse. I was hardly doing any of my work. Early on in senior year, I had a substitute in one of my classes, and Ian and I just decided to leave. That was my first time ever skipping a class. After that at some point I convinced John to skip with me. From then on I was skipping almost every day, sometimes twice a day, getting food or going home with John or by myself, to play the Wii or World of Warcraft. Starting to skip classes was one of the most defining decisions of my life. Earlier that year I had gotten my license and a car, which brought freedom in itself. Skipping classes and breaking the other rules I deemed pointless simply added onto that freedom. I was doing what I wanted, at each individual instant in time, disregarding altogether what I had to do at that point in time. It felt amazing. Then senior year ended. Somehow, I managed to graduate. Summer came. It only multiplied my freedom. I no longer needed to skip classes, because I had all day to do what I wanted. I did everything that came to mind that I wanted to do. I went to the beach with my family as usual, and later in the summer I went backpacking in Virginia. It was the climax of my entire life to date. Everything built up to that summer. And then I smashed full speed into a brick wall. Summer ended and classes started. Everything I had been embracing, the new way of life I had built for myself, instantly came crashing down, in its entirety. Once again I had responsibilities. I had the future to think about and consider, rather than just the here and now. I was more stressed than I'd been my entire life. I felt like I no longer had any control over my life. I couldn't even take classes I wanted to take, because there are so many required credits just to get your degree from UMBC. It had become high school all over again, except this time I was paying $4000 for it. So I quit. I canceled the remainder of my loan, and I informed UMBC that I wouldn't be attending in the spring. I quit to prove to myself that I still had my own freedom. I quit to prove to myself that I could choose the direction of my own life, and not the direction that society demands. I quit to prove to myself that I still had control of my life. It was my anorexia. I still have no idea what it is that I want to do with my life, or what direction it's going in. I only know which directions I don't want it to go in. There's no time to lose, Cash your dreams before they slip away Dying all the time Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind Ain't life unkind? And I really hope Ashlee reads this entry. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 17th, 2007
8:24 pm	In a world controlled by time, I'm having trouble finding mine God is just a firing squad, Lining up to take our lives. For now I'll be okay, Drifting on to the next day, In my futile longing to be free, At least I have you to share my agony (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 20th, 2007
9:36 pm	The stars in the sky, before you were mine, Were not so scattered about They sat in a line, before you were mine, Easy to figure out Now they are spattered, and constantly changing, Despite all I ever knew The stars in my sky, are a whole new kind, All because of you (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 2nd, 2007
2:35 pm	As a result of one of my best friendships being ruined by an arranged marriage, I've come to the conclusion that customs fucking suck. All of them. Not just the really harsh ones like arranged marriages, and all the other terribly sexist ones in the most extreme of religions, but all of them. Christianity, cultures, everything. As I said to Erin, they're all remnants of a past that people can't realize we're better without. On religions, and believing in God: Who really cares? Does it really matter? Mainly all religions consist of one overall theme: Morality. Why do we have to believe in tons of stupid children's stories and mythical creatures to be moral? We should be able to be moral for the sake of being moral, instead of as a free ticket into the afterlife, or to save ourselves from eternal torment. The moral of no sex before marriage shouldn't apply anymore because we have something that didn't exist back when this problem had to be solved: Contraception. Obviously, arranged marriages shouldn't apply anymore because they're fucking retarded. We live in the 21st century. Women can vote, blacks were freed over a hundred years ago. Catch up to the times, assholes. And swearing? Does anyone honestly still believe that a non-existant God knew English, a language which didn't exist until a good 3000 years after He supposedly created our planet which the universe supposedly revolves around? I think many people do. Oh, how God will smite ye for speaking but a single word! Homosexuality. I've kind of been a stickler about this in the past, but it was immature of me. Nobody should mind this, as long as it doesn't affect them... and generally, it doesn't. People should be able to do whatever they want among themselves. If your religion preaches that homosexuals burn in hell, fine. Let them burn in hell. If you're the fantastic do-gooder you think yourself to be, you'll be in Heaven away from them. If you decide to play God and judge them yourself, you'll be right beside them in hell. And that's just among religions. There are far more. Customs among cultures, too, are.. gay. :) Anything people do because their ancestors did it, they do out of some arrogant nationalistic pride that their ancestors and their race are/were somehow better than the rest of the world. If everyone feels they're better than everyone else, then really, only the biggest dick can come out on top. Non-literally, of course. Everything anyone does should have any of two purposes: Self-gratification without belittling or bringing harm to others on a large scale; To benefit society as a whole. Nothing else matters, or just makes you a dick. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 5th, 2007
7:06 pm	Love of my life, You've hurt me. You've broken my heart, And now you leave me. Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back. Don't take it away from me, Because you don't know, What it means to me. Love of my life, Don't leave me. You've taken my love, And now desert me. Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back. Don't take it away from me, Because you don't know, What it means to me. You will remember, When this is blown over, And everything's all by the way. When I grow older, I will be there, at your side, To remind you, How I still love you I still love you. Back, hurry back. Please bring it back home to me, Because you don't know, What it means to me. Love of my life, Love of my life. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
12:32 pm	I got into UMBC. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
8:09 pm	The concert. I'm not even going to go into the trip there or anything, because my day before the concert sucked. Parents were really pissing me off. Anyway, we got there, stood in line for 45 minutes outside, and then went in. Had to give them my camera. Got in, found where we wanted to stay, and waited. After twenty minutes or so of standing and listen to the Beatles, Van Halen, and I think Queen was on, Leaves' Eyes finally came on. They were alright. The girl was a pretty good singer, but her parts just didn't seem to fit, half the time, with the male's vocals. The guy had INSANELY long hair. Down to his butt, about, if not longer. That's saying a lot, considering how massively tall the guy is. The lead guitarist looked like Timo Kotipelto. Anyway, they sucked except for one song, in which the male vocalist's part was great. So they leave, and we're left standing around in the dark again. Five minutes pass, and a curtain is lowered against the wall behind the drums. Everyone starts yelling, at the sudden movement, expecting that BG is about to come on. ...And nothing else happened. "Cock tease", someone yelled. So another five minutes or so... The sound of swords clashing fills the room..."The field is lost. Everything is lost. The black one has fallen from the sky, and the towers in ruins lie. The enemy is within! Everywhere! And with him, the light. Soon, they will be here. Go now, my lord, while there is time. There are places, below!" "And you know them too. I release thee. Go! My servant you'll be, for all time." "As you command. My king..." "I had a part in everything. Twice I destroyed the light, and twice I failed. I left ruin behind me when I returned...but I also carried ruin with me. She...the mistress of her own lust." The lights come on, Markus and Andre start playing the intro to Into the Storm. Hansi is there rocking it out, and then his vocals come. A great beginning to a fantastic night. They played Born in a Mourning Hall, next. It was fantastic. Then was Nightfall. The crowd went crazy. Everyone sang along, of course. The girl in front of us was dancing, kind of funnily. The solo. Fantastic. The next few I'm not 100% sure of the order on, but I think I've got it pretty close. They played Fly, which had plenty of crowd participation. It's not one of my favourites, and I only really know the chorus to it. Then was Bright Eyes, which they said was new to their set list. The crowd loved it. Next was Script for my Requiem. Everyone really loved that one. The crowd participation was great for that song as well. The solo came and everyone went crazy. After this one, everyone was yelling for them to play Majesty. Hansi comes up to the microphone and says, "...We'll think about it" and laughs. The crowd all laughs as well. So then he says something along the lines of "Are you ready for the killing of some GODS?" So I yelled, "VALHALLA!", and sure enough, they played Valhalla next. Crowd participation, once again, fantastic. At the end, they played their usual acoustic chorus of Valhalla, and then let the crowd alone sing to it. This went on for probably two minutes. Hansi and Markus had the biggest grins on their faces. They were obviously having a fantastic time. Valhalla came to a close, and they played Another Stranger Me. Pretty good stuff, though not one of my favourites. Welcome to Dying came next. Crowd participation was, again, great. And again, the crowd went insane during the harmonizing solos. Love that song. Then they went to Time Stands Still (At the Iron Hill). Apparently that one's a big one to everybody. It's not really on my top list of Blind Guardian songs, but I definitely like it. The crowd went insane when Hansi announced that it was next. Crowd participation was fantastic. Then they went and got the acoustics, and everyone started yelling "Bard's song! Bard's song!". Disappointed, we were told they were playing "Skalds and Shadows" next. The song was still great, and had decent crowd participation, though I think most people haven't memorized the lyrics yet. And then Hansi announced that they had to leave to get on the road for their next show, the very next day (Today). Everyone starts yelling "encore". And then Hansi says that they're going to play And Then There Was Silence. The screams of the crowd were deafening. I absolutely love how that song sounds live. The crowd participation was amazing. Towards the end of the song, when the song gets slow and quiet again, and the bells are playing, Hansi and Markus apparently found heard or saw something funny. Markus was laughing, and Hansi, in the middle of his vocals, started laughing, for a few seconds, and then picked up his vocals again. So then they said their good nights, their thank yous, and goodbyes, and left. But the crowd stayed. For five minutes, the crowd was just standing there yelling "Guardian! Guardian!" and then of course "Oh eyyy, oh ey oh ey oh eyy...oh eyy...oh ey". This goes on for a while, and then finally, the guys run back out on stage. Hansi yells, "You guys are absolutely FUCKING AMAZING! We've decided we can play three more songs." The crowd of course, went insane. So they played Imaginations From the Other Side. Amazing, of course. The Bard's Song, In the Forest. Fantastic. Absolutely insane. The crowd sang most of the song, while Hansi just stood there watching and grinning. They finished that, and the crowd started yelling "MIRROR!". Hansi comes up to the microphone and says "Since you all have neen so great, we will give you what you want." And they began to play Mirror, Mirror. The song was fantastic. The crowd sang along to the guitar parts, and of course to the vocals. Erin was obviously having a very good time, during Mirror, Mirror. And that was the end. We left, and headed home. I got my camera back, and forgot to buy tour t-shirts, because I'm a moron. It's now the night after, 8:00 PM, I'm still awestruck at the greatness that was last night. I can't wait to do this again. Maybe in Europe next time, or maybe on another North American tour. As Hansi said during the concert "It took us twenty years to get here. Let's not let that happen again!" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 12th, 2006
3:09 pm	It's been over eight months since my last livejournal entry, and so much has happened. Life is different. This past summer wasn't bad. I had a decent time at the beach, as always. Yes, Audrey and I got back together for another try, for a short while. Boy, was that a mistake. Surprise, surprise. Sometimes I make the stupidest decisions. It's done with, now, though. In the past eight months, I have completely stopped talking to some people who I never thought I would, and nearly stopped talking to still more people. On the other hand, I've also begun talking to new people. Two Erins, have I begun talking to, one of which was a childhood friend refound. That one, which, for the sake of differentiation, I will refer to as Erin 2, has obviously grown up immensely since she moved from my neighbourhood years ago. I don't think I can put this nicely: She is no longer the spoilt brat she was when she lived here. I met Erin 1 through Frelly. Back in May, Erin decided to proclaim her German better than mine (which wasn't unlikely as my German is rubbish yet, however hers is far worse :P), and in doing so, sparked many long-night conversations, and a progressing friendship. I introduced her to Blind Guardian, along with many other of my favoured bands. Her and I both previously were big Third Eye Blind fans, giving us relational ground. I ended up applying for a job at the YMCA, without any doubt that I would get the job, since my father has worked their part-time for fifteen years or so. I now work as a Membership Sales Representative there, making seven dollars an hour. It's nice having some spending money, of course, but I loathe the lack of time this produces. I've been working every week-day, going straight from school, and getting off at 6:30 (now 6:00), and not getting home until around 7:00. As I was used to having much free-time, during which I could play my plethora of games, read, play my guitar, etc., this has been a bit of a hassle to me. I'm hardly playing my guitar anymore, much as I would like to be. I canceled my World of Warcraft account, as it was not being put to use. I haven't even been playing Vanguard, despite its being free for the time while it is in beta. My gaming life has been reduced to games which do not take hours and hours on end of playing to advance. Counterstrike, for example, much as I am ashamed to say it, and much as I loathe the Counterstrike gaming community. My weekends were intended to be my bit of time to do as I pleased, but as of late I've had to work some weekends as well. I'm hoping this will not be the case in the future. I went to the Renaissance Festival with Erin 1 a few weeks back. Almost two months back, now, I suppose. That was our first time meeting outside of packets of bytes. It was a good time, and had she not already created a post on her livejournal completely dedicated to the events of that day, I would do so, but that is the case. She and I have hung out every weekend since that one, sometimes on both Saturday and Sunday, or Friday and Saturday. In the beginning of our talking to each other over the internet, I was immensely reminded by her of Ashlee, and my countless late-night conversations with her, with a few very, very sharp ironies thrown in. Ashlee and I hardly speak anymore, which I never expected. For a few months on end there was complete silence between us, then a few messages, then more silence. It's partially my fault, of course. Perhaps more so mine. She's been in Romania, learning their language, at the expense of her employer. It kills me to think that things may eventually come to a permanent cessation with her, but she is happy, I think, with the direction of her life, judging by the messages that we have exchanged somewhat recently, and for that I am glad. I have been looking at colleges, lately, too. For a while I was strongly considering BYU as an option, but now I've thrown that out. I'm going to apply to UMBC, Towson University, UMCP, McDaniel, and maybe a couple more. I still can't really decide what I want to major in, though. Now I'm thinking Physics, Anthropology, Linguistics, or...of course there's always Computer Science. I suppose we'll just have to see. My parents have bought me a car. It's a blue '96 Mazda Protege, which cost us a little over two-thousand dollars. I do have to pay him back for it, and I have to pay half of my insurance, when I get my license. Speaking of that, my test is in two days. It will be nice to not rely on my parents for transportation, but other than that I don't have much desire for it, as I don't have much desire to have a job. In early December, Erin 1 and I are going to the Blind Guardian concert in Philadelphia. That will certainly be the highlight of my year, and I have been looking forward to it for months. All things taken into account, life right now has its goods and its bads, as it always does. It will be interesting to see if anyone actually reads this. Current Music: Blind Guardian - Battalions of Fear (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
2:11 pm	People are so unreliable. I miss talking Ashlee frequently. Ashlee fixes everything. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
1:13 pm	I'm so bored with my life. It's uneventful. The band hasn't had practice in a long, long time. I haven't written any useful programs in a long time, so programming is boring me as of late. I'm just not really....doing anything. It sucks. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
1:00 am	Stillboooooorn but you're still aliiiiive....and frooooom the flaaaaames as chance would have it.... Today was amazing. Beyond words. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
9:15 pm	Okay, this is in fact the coolest thing ever. I just found out that my grandfather was in the army with, and personal friends with, one of the real Hatfields. Yes, that's right. From the Hatfield-McCoy feud. God DAMN my grandfather rocks. He said the guy still owned their estate when he knew him. That all his other family members were selling out to oil companies, due to oil being found there, but that this guy, "Seargent Hatfield", wouldn't sell out. He was, as he said, still waiting for them to meet his price. ....I love my grandfather. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
6:36 pm	Holy  crap this is awesome. John and I are making this computer program...it's so awesome. So far: -Stores notes -Stores vocabulary words & their definitions -Quizzes on vocabulary words Will later: -Store Physics & Calculus formulas -Allow you to solve Physics & Calculus problems in the program easily -Allow you to search through the notes This program freakin' rocks. I've already got tons of my history notes stored into it, and I'm going to store German vocabulary I learn in my lessons in it. I love it. Not only is it just fucking cool, it'll be useful as hell. (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
10:44 am	Have recently written two new songs. Here's the lyrics to both. This shadow of light consumes, All that I knew and had, They came and they went, Destruction their trail, The souls of the faithful dead. My family I have not seen, For them I fear the worst, These ghastly foes, Their hunger grows, With fire they quench their thirst, No eyes, mouth or nose, Quick they dispose, In the dead they gain their bread, They never slow, Their killing flows, The end, it is not far ahead, What did I do to deserve this? Why must I suffer this way? Did my family somehow escape this? Oh God, please keep them away The phantoms, they draw ever closer, Now in my presence they dwell, "Swearer, stealer, and boaster, Or perhaps your body you sell, Your wife and your children precede you, You'll soon be with them in Hell" And the next... All around me, an endless sleep, This angry God, will his word keep, I don't know how I, and Death did not meet, The sky is gone, the silence, it speaks: "I am the Alpha, And I am the Omega, I am the first, And I am the last, I am the beginning, And I am the end, " He speaks to me, and me alone, Any doubts I had, are now undone, I listen close, I listen for more, Still I fear, for what He has in store, "I am the Alpha, And I am the Omega, I am the first, And I am the last, I am the beginning, And I am the end, I am root of David, Root of Morning Star, You escape my wrath, Though a sinner you are " His words quake through me, And His breath steals my feet, His anger, a fire ablaze Still I listen, confused and afraid, "I am the Alpha, And I am the Omega, I am the first, And I am the last, I am the beginning, And I am the end, You believe deeply, As always you have, But sin you greatly, And much guilt you have " Hope I now felt awaken, I lie dead, living alone, I am ashamed and alone, Continue please, Eternal One, "I am the Alpha, And I am the Omega, I am the first, And I am the last, I am the beginning, And I am the end, I will give you this, You and the other, Noblest of all man, Shall start it all again, " I look to my leftward side, There she stands, defiantly proud, We embrace and I forget, All that He said and told, But still it would carry through, For we are the noblest of man, Alone we are now, As always we have been, Apart from the rest, We shall start it all again I love putting hidden meanings in my songs. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
8:46 pm	Holy crap. I've been working on a family tree, and I'm finding WAY more than I expected to be able to. My mom has this book that her mother and a few other people in her family put together, with all of their findings. I've got everyone back to Bernard Belsford, born in PA in 1755. That means my mom's family has been here since before the American Revolution. Basically my findings are that my mom's side of the family is nearly completely English, with POSSIBLY a smidget of German. There was a woman who was born a year after her family came over from England, in the port of Baltimore. Her parents both died soon after she was born, and she was adopted. She used the name Twenty (German), but it's unsure whether or not that was her real name. There are also records of her using the last name Swancy and/or Swaney (Irish, I believe). So, depending on whether or not Swancy/Swaney is her real name, I may not have any Irish in me at all. My dad's family is next. I'm not sure whether they have a book or not, so that may be harder. I'll have to talk to my grandparents about it. I'm pretty sure they're just all 100% German, though. That would make things so much easier. And Ashlee, I found this AWESOME program that organizes things beautifully. If you want it, tell me. Edit: I just found someone from 1729, by the last name Slonaker, in my mother's side. Austrian name. So I have a smidget of Austrian in me. And there's a Noel over there too, so that's some more German. Plus a Stephens, so more English. (1 Comment |Comment on this)